Zombie Nation (2004) directed by Ulli Lommel.
(Proposed Title: “Attack of the Racoon Women!”)
Starring Günther Ziegler, Brandon Dean, Axel Montgomery, Phil Lander and Martina Bottesch.
Zombie Film Rating:

“Back from the dead and ready to rummage.”

Teaser: Rookie Officer Vitalio has a problem, his veteran partner has a habit of pulling over young women, handcuffing them and then driving them to a remote warehouse and taking them inside while Vitalio is ordered to wait at the car. Even as a rookie he has noticed that the young women go into the warehouse, but the only thing his partner ever brings out is a big black body sized duffel bag.

This film goes above and beyond, just not in the areas of production, script, acting, logic or continuity. It is easily one of the worst zombie movies I have ever seen, and it’s efforts at using a police setting are beyond laughable. This movie should serve as a warning to film school students as to what happens when they start a project with the phrase “Hey, I bet you can’t…“.

“That bitch is jaywalking!” – Officer Singer

“Honestly Ma’am, it’s standard procedure.”

Plot Summary: Things are not right at LAPDs 707 Precinct. A small core of old army buddies are running the outfit, and the few rookies that are posted there are convinced that things are a little odd, particularly with Officer Singer and his habit of speaking using the royal “we”.

Officer Joe Singer has had a traumatic childhood, and now inflicts his own bizarre brand of justice upon young women found involved in minor traffic offfences. He handcuffs them, transports them to a remote warehouse, conducts a detailed inspection of their ears, nose and mouth then administers a poison by injection all the while taking detailed notes. He then watches TV until they have expired then buries the bodies outside of town.

“I’m not worried about my sister, she’s very strong and protected. She has been to see some voodoo priestesses after too many girls started disappearing.” – Officer Buscov

“I wonder if I left the oven on?”

Officer Singers partner, Vitalio, has a friend report the matter to the Internal Affairs Department, who immediately begin a fairly ineffective investigation into the allegations against Officer Singer. The investigation seems to consist almost entirely of suspending half the precinct and little else.

Unfortunately for Officer Singer, his most recent victim, Romy Buscov, has been charmed by voodoo priestesses and when she is killed the entire stable of victims returns to life (Why the others return to life is never made clear) and they begin unleashing rather tame zombie vengeance on everyone they encounter (both of them), then commandeering vehicles to make their way back into town where they gather with the voodoo priestesses for some quick zombie ground rules.

They then track Singer, eat him and then apply for work with Precinct 707 and become police officers (despite the fact that they’re all DEAD and reported missing!?)

“You don’t have to go through all this with me sweetie. I’m easy.” – Virginia Mason

“Damn new age zombies…”

Critique: This movie is not only a tremendously ineffective zombie movie, but it contains the single worst portrayal of police life I have ever seen. The police station appears to consist of a few cubicle dividers inside a warehouse, the caricatures of “standard police stereotypes” are not only unconvincing, but defy any sort of logic or sense in their motives and actions.

Ignoring the fact that we have to wait a full 50 minutes before we even see a zombie, and the sole special effect put into the zombies is some sort of racoon eye makeup, which gives one the impression that Avril Lavigne has come back from the grave. This entirely failed to inspire anything other than laughter from me.

The Final Word: I would be willing to bet that this project is the result of a dare. Don’t inflict it on yourself, even on a dare.